Mayhem in My Yard!!!

Hurray, hurray it is the first of May!

I am so glad this foolish month of April is finally finished. It looks like winter may finally be behind us and we can look forward to spring. Not only was the weather cruel but lady luck was against me as well.

Over the years I have learned that if you are on the cutting edge of technology, sometimes the technology cuts you bad.  This week I was reminded of that concept once again.  I am sorry to tell you that I had to return   to the dealer and I now have my chimney mounted sprinkler system up for sale.

headless tulipsThe S680 cut the grass like a champ but it’s 42 foot mower head was just a tad too big. While mowing the lawn I paid great attention to the left edge next to the house but not so much attention to the right side. Last year my daughter gave my wife a thousand tulip bulbs for Mother’s Day and we planted them all near the road.  They were beautiful this year until the mower neatly dispatched them.

Standing on my former lawn mower :(

Standing on my former John Deere S680 lawn mower :(

My S680 could have survived that mistake but then I ran into another problem. I was able to mow the entire front yard in about 10 seconds but what do you do when you reach the edge of the yard?  I put the tractor in reverse but gave it too much gas and popped a wheelie. That caused the rear tires to make huge divots in the yard.  UFFDA!  I am now looking for a more conventional mower.

As to my sprinkler project… you know, the one where I planned to mount the agriculture sprinkler head on my chimney and water my lawn from one central location. I got it up and running and then fine tuned it making sure the coverage of my lawn was just right, not too much nor too little.  Yesterday  I made a tiny error.  Rather than turning up the timer I mistakenly turned up the power on the pump and then left to run a few errands.  I got back only to find the sprinkler significantly over shooting my lawn – I think Allstate insurance would have considered this to be the work of Mayhem.  Well, the power of the sprinkler blew out my neighbor’s second floor bedroom window.  Can you imagine how much water can get through a second floor window at 150 gallons per minute? Water flows downhill so it also drenched the first floor and filled the basement.  On the bright side, they always wanted an indoor swimming pool.

And the neighbors on the other side, well they have a couple of Pomeranians who just happened to be penned up in the their back yard at the time. Let me tell you, despite not liking water, they were completed soaked.  Boy were they dancing, shaking and rolling around in their pen.  Needless to say, I will not be using that chimney sprinkler again.

Gotta go,  I better cancel the crop duster who was going to apply fertilizer and weed killer on my lawn with one pass of his aircraft.  I am beginning to imagine the mayhem that might cause.

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4 Responses to “Mayhem in My Yard!!!”

  1. Shauna Francis Says:

    My goodness, Pete, that has got to be the best laugh I’ve had in a while. I feel for you, truly I do. I was just commenting on your sprinkler idea the other day to someone in irrigation, and we were joking about the possible “issues” with your idea. I really thought chimney damage would have been the extent. Or maybe roof damage due to the water pressure. But this, I could not think of. Sorry it didn’t work out, but I give you points for creativity.

  2. sandersonp Says:

    Thanks, this spoof has been a great deal of fun. I thought of all kinds of mayhem one large sprinkler could have caused and finally settled on the the two I wrote about. Next year for April Fools I might write about what happens when you hire a crop duster to fertilize your yard. If you have any other ideas about how trying to adapt agricultural equipement for use in a residental yard could cause mayhem, let me know. Could be the start of an entry to the annual Liars Club contest.

  3. iahqidcxxf Says:

    You shouldn’t give up so quickly on your chimney yard sprinkler. Edison for sure would not have given up after a single try. Then again you run the possibility of destroying many of your neighbors’ houses.

    It’s a good thing your new S680 came with a shutoff switch, I hope.

  4. sandersonp Says:

    I will let you know when I come up with Plan B.

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